


Hesitate

by Lilywoood



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Getting Together, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:42:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22032748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilywoood/pseuds/Lilywoood
Summary: {Hanahaki} def : Hanahaki is a disease born from unrequited love, the patient throat would be filled with petals or in advanced state with flowers, there is no known cure for it….Loving Eddie was a curse, a painful yet beautiful curse, one he didn’t want nor needed the cure for, because even if it brought him nothing but heartache, nothing but sadness and sorrow, loving Edmundo Diaz had been the best experience, the best feeling Evan Buckley ever had and he was willing to give his life a thousand times just to enjoy it once more…
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 5
Kudos: 187





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Buck felt It he was talking with Eddie in the locker room, they were both getting changed for the beginning of their shift, Eddie was telling him about how Lena and him were trying to mend their relationship, how they started to hang out together when he felt an itchy feeling in his throat, it was unpleasant and he couldn’t stop trying to clear his throat.

- **Everything** **ok** , Eddie had asked him with concern.

 **-Yeah,** he’d responded reassuringly, **maybe I’m starting to caught the flu** , he shrugged closing his locker.

 **-I hope no** , Eddie smiled closing his locker, **we’re already one man down,** he chuckled leaving the room.

The itching got worse after Eddie’s departure, he was afraid it was the clot coming back even though he was still on blood thinner, he soon found himself coughing without being able to stop, the metal taste on the back of his throat, he coughed one last time and felt something sticky falling in his hand…

He was shaking, afraid to find a piece of his lung in his hand, he was surprised to see that it was a petal, a white petal tainted by a little drop of blood, he never questioned where it came from, thinking that maybe he swallowed it when he went to botanic garden with Maddie the day before, he shrugged cleaned his hand and rejoined the rest of his team the incident long forgotten…

————

The second time it happened it was just after the tunnel incident, he was talking with Eddie, sharing his worry over Bobby when the older man’s started to ring Lena’s name appearing, the itching came back this time it was more unpleasant, more painful, Eddie was busy talking and laughing with Lena to notice Buck’s struggle.

He was coughing again, his breath was short, and he knew, he knew that if he opened his hand again he would find it a tainted white petal… Except that this time they were three petals…

- **You sure everything is ok** , Eddie asked him on their way back to the station, **I saw you coughing** , he added, **you weren’t exposed to the radiation** , he frowned.

- **No** , Buck waved dismissively, **it’s just asthma,** he lied, **you know with the smoke and all** , he pointed, **don’t worry I’ll ask Maddie to check me,** he smiled bumping their shoulders.

————

The fifth time it happened he was with Maddie, Eddie had accidentally sent him a text meant for Lena, the kind of text he secretly hoped to receive one day, quickly after Eddie sent him an apology text.

That when he felt the itching again, this time it was twice harder than in the tunnel, it was more painful than in the locker room, he felt like a thousand knives were stabbing him in the chest, he had trouble breathing, and his vision started to darken.

He heard Maddie rushing to him, felt her catching him, he never acknowledged her to busy admiring the white and red lilies in the palm of his hand.

- **Evan** , Maddie sobbed, forcing him to sit down, she grabbed his face making him look at her, **since when** , she breathed

- **Two months,** Buck whispered, **what is wrong with me Maddie,** he chocked, **why do I feel like dying,** he asked brow furrowed.

- **Because you love him** , Maddie explained stroking his cheeks,

- **Do you think it will stop hurting, that I will be okay one day** , Buck asked letting himself be embraced by Maddie

- **You’ll be okay but the hurting** …she half shrugged smiling sadly, **the hurting it never stop you just grew accustomed to it** , Maddie lied hugging him tighter.

Maddie felt helpless, she didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do, it was a first for her, she’d heard about it, read about it in books but she never ever imagined that she would witness it one day, never though her own brother would have Hanahaki….

—-

Buck state worsened after that day at Maddie’s, he was coughing flowers now, not just petals, the sole thought of Eddie made him sick, just hearing him talk about how great Lena was, about what they did over the weekend or how Christopher warm up to her was enough to provoke the cough.

It’s been four months now and he was more tired and sick than ever, he just wanted it to be over, wanted the pain to cease, wanted to be normal again.

- **Maddie** , he called lying his head on her laps.

- **Yes Evan** , she responded massaging his scalp.

- **The hurt it’s never stop** , he stated, **I’ll never get used to it** , he croaked, **I’ll never get better,** he added.

- **There is a way** , she sighed stopping her movements, **but I don’t think you’ll want it,** she admitted.

- **What way** , he demanded looking at her with tired eyes.

- **You’ll have to surgically remove every feelings you have for him,** she explained, **by doing so you’ll also forget Chris,** she smiled tearfully.

- **What happens if I don’t** , he pressed, **if I decide I won’t remove him,** he precise **, won’t remove them,** he whispered.

- **Don’t make me say it,** Maddie croaked, **please Evan don’t make me say it** , she started to cry, **think about it Evan please,** she prayed.

 **-I’ll think about it** , he murmured, **even if my choice is already made** , he stated turning his attention back to the TV.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> {Hanahaki} def : A disease caused by heartache, in which the patient would start throwing up petals and in worst case scenarios flowers, to these day only two remedies are known…

Loving Eddie was a curse, a painful yet beautiful curse, one he didn’t want nor needed the cure for, because even if it brought him nothing but heartache, nothing but sadness and sorrow, loving Edmundo Diaz had been the best experience, the best feeling Evan Buckley ever had and he was willing to give his life a thousand times just to enjoy it once more…

—-

In took only one week for Buck state to worsened gravely, he didn’t need to hear Eddie’s voice, or his name being said to start throwing up flowers now, he didn’t need to see him with Lena, didn’t need to hear how his colleagues and teammates were commenting on how close they were, didn’t need to hear them tease him about it, they didn’t know how he felt his heart aching every time they mentioned it, didn’t know how he felt like every breath he took made him feel like dying.

Only Maddie knew and it was more than enough.

—-

Maddie who insisted, prayed, begged for him to consider the removal, who was crying every day and trying her best to keep him alive…

She was in pain everyday because of him, or that what he convinced himself, living without remembering the Diaz family wasn’t the only reason Buck refused to go through the procedure, he was persuaded that if he died maybe Maddie would get better too, she’ll stop worrying, stop crying, he knew she’ll be sad, still she had Chim and at some point he was sure that she’ll make peace with herself, she’ll move on and he’ll be just a memory.

—

He’d lost a lot of weight in the week that followed his conversation with Maddie, he was getting so thin that Bobby didn’t want him with them until he regained some weight, little did he knew that the reason Buck couldn’t eat normally was because his condition made him unable to sustain his body.

He could only nod tiredly knowing full well that in his current state he would only be a leverage for his team…

He was close to the door when he heard Bobby telling the rest of the 118 that they’ll be one man short, heard Eddie propose to call Lena since her team didn’t mind her helping the 118 once more.

He felt the itching come back full force after hearing Bobby whole heartily accept Eddie’s proposition, he felt the bile, felt the lilies and roses petals tickling his throat, he rushed out, run to his car to threw them up, he thought that things couldn’t get worse than that, he was wrong once again…

—-

It was past midnight when he woke up with an ache in his chest so intense he thought he could never recover, he couldn’t talk,couldn’t breath, couldn’t utter a single sound, he felt them the lilies stems piercing his lungs, could feels the thorns puncturing his heart, he felt panicked and dread he felt like death was playing with him and all he could think about was Eddie, how would he tell Chris about his death, would he ever tell Chris, would they miss him, would he miss him, would they be there when he will take his last breath, would he hold his hand, would he smile at him encouragingly so that he wouldn’t be afraid of his impending death.

He had so much questions, questions for which he would never have the answer and as everything faded around him, as he heard the far echo of Maddie’s voice over the phone they were only one single though that kept on running through his mind, he only though about how happy he would be to see Eddie there if he woke up.

——

Maddie was passing back and forth in the hallway of Mercy Hospital she didn’t know what to do, didn’t know who to call, didn’t know who to talk to.

It’s been two hours since he’d been admitted, two hours since the doctor last talked with her, two hours since she last saw Evan and now the nurse were pressuring her, asking her if they could let the doctor know that he could do the removal.

——

She asked for five minutes, just five minutes to call her last hope, her last card, just five minutes to call for a last minutes miracle.

- **Yes** , she heard Eddie grown tiredly.

- **It’s Maddie** , she chocked relieved to hear him, **I…I need a miracle Eddie** , she sniffed, **I need you to be my miracle,** she cried.

- **Did something happened to Buck,** he asked dreadfully.

- **Can you come to Mercy,** she asked in between hiccups.

- **On my way,** Eddie responded ending the call.

—-

The first thing he noticed when they let him in Buck’s room was how pale and small he seemed, how thin he got, how tired he was…

The second thing he noted were all the machines keeping him alive, the beeping they were making, as if reminding him of how much of a shitty friend he’s been to Buck.

He didn’t know if he was allowed to touch him, to hold his hand, to caress his face, to hug him…to kiss him.

—

As if sensing the other man presence Buck started to stire up, trying to get the oxygen mask out his way when Eddie grabbed his hand.

- **Don’t touch that,** he smiled tenderly caressing his hand, **doctor said you need it** , he rambled.

- **Am I dead yet,** Buck croaked throat sore, **that’ll explain why you’re there,** he grinned.

- **Why…why would you say something like that,** Eddie gasped, **why didn’t you say anything,** he frowned trying to stop the upcoming tears.

 **-I didn’t want you to worry,** Buck sighed turning his head away, **plus you were busy with Lena,** he breathed quietly.

- **You matter more for me than her** , Eddie frowned, **what made you think otherwise** , he asked squeezing the other man’s hand.

Buck closed his eyes taking a deep breath while rubbing his aching chest.

- **Maybe the fact that I love you so much** , he chuckled throat dry, **that you made flowers bloom in my lungs** , he explained turning his attention to Eddie,

- **Evan** , Eddie breathed painfully, **why didn’t you tell me,** he angrily demanded tears flowing down his face, **you idiot,** he stated before crashing their lips together.

Buck was breathless after that kiss but this time they were no itching, no petals on the back of his throat, this time when he felt his heart beating faster and his lungs tightened he knew it was because he was loved back.

- **I love you Evan Buckley** , Eddie assured somehow reading his mind, **I love you and only you,** he added kissing him one more time


End file.
